Like He Needs Air
by GrapefruitSpritzer
Summary: Saeyoung always knew he was too dangerous to be with her. After MC is kidnapped for the crime of loving him, he ends their relationship in order to keep her safe. Throwing himself into his work, he accepts his lonely, broken existence without her - until the next RFA party rolls around.


"Are you really not going to go to the party?" Yoosung asked, glancing over from the computer he'd set himself up in front of. Saeran shot him a warning glare, but he didn't notice. The kid never did learn to put a filter over his mouth.

Saeyoung shrugged, not taking his eyes off the screen in front of him. "I have work to catch up on. Besides, you guys don't need me there. Saeran can handle anything that pops up."

Yoosung frowned. "That's not the point! You're one of us. You should be there too."

Saeyoung didn't bother responding. Yoosung would keep pushing no matter what excuse he gave, so there was no point.

"Look, if it's because of MC I could call her and – "

"No!" he shouted, recoiling immediately at the volume of his own voice. _Good job, idiot._ "Don't call her."

"...why not?"

He sighed in annoyance. Leave it to Yoosung to find the sore spot and dig in. "Because she's busy enough with party prep. She doesn't need you bringing up ancient history."

"Ancient history? Saeyoung it was a month..."

"Drop it Yoosung," Saeran cut in, tone hard and final. For once Saeyoung was appreciative of the way his brother could effortlessly cast a frosty chill over a room. Sufficiently intimidated, Yoosung gave up and turned back to his raid, abandoning the well-meaning interrogation.

An uncomfortable silence fell between them, each lost to their own thoughts. Saeyoung had no doubt that the trains were similar enough – all focused on MC, and him, and the failed relationship that just a few weeks ago was sure to last forever. It was only when the younger man packed up and left that Saeran addressed it.

"He's right, you know."

"Don't start."

"Don't tell me what to do," Saeran snapped, eyes glinting dangerously until he shook his head to recenter himself. Even after months of therapy and medication he still slipped back into that comfortable rage sometimes. Maybe it was just his imagination, but it seemed like it was happening more often ever since MC moved out.

Yet another thing he'd fucked up.

"If you won't go for you, you should at least go for her," he continued, voice mild again. "If you don't she's going to blame herself and you know it."

Saeyoung grimaced, fingers hovering stiffly over his keyboard. As soon as the words were spoken he recognized the truth of them. Of course she'd blame herself – MC was empathetic to a fault. He could already see her agonizing over his absence, worrying about him, debating if she should call or not. She'd smile and act the perfect hostess on the outside, but inside she'd be a ball of anxiety and self-loathing.

The thought of it was a punch to the gut. Those feelings were meant for him, not her. She was too good, too perfect – and he'd hurt her enough already.

"Fine. I'll go."

Saeran nodded and went to bed, leaving him to the cold, lonely glow of his monitor once again.

* * *

The moment Saeyoung stepped into the bunker, he knew something was wrong. There were the obvious signs – doormat askew, lights switched off – but more than that it was a _feeling._ He'd been an agent long enough to trust his gut on these things, and right now his gut was screaming.

"MC!" he called, barreling into their home in sudden terror. "MC where are you?!"

The silence that followed was deafening.

"MC! M– " The word abruptly cut off, turning into a strangled cry as Saeran flicked the lights on and he saw the chaos that surrounded him. The house had been turned upside down while they were away – furniture overturned, clothes and books scattered all over the floor, computers missing...and the robot cat lying in pieces at his feet.

MC was gone.

Panic welled up inside him, blinding him to everything but that thought. She was gone. Someone had found them, the agency or the government or one of the dozens of hackers he'd pissed off...someone was after him, and they found her instead. His worst fear had been realized – the thought that had plagued him from the moment he first saw her face, the very reason he'd tried so hard to keep her away in the first place. She was gone, and it was _his fault._

"Sae."

His brother's voice was as steady as it always was, that hard-won control over his emotions prevailing even now. He knew he needed to calm down, but he couldn't break through the fear, couldn't think, couldn't breathe.

"Saeyoung."

MC was gone. She was gone. Gone. Gone. Gone...

"Get the fuck up Sae!"

A sharp pain in his side brought him back to consciousness, eyes flying open to see Saeran hovering over him, foot poised to kick him again. He sat up in panicked confusion, looking wildly around the bunker for...

...no, not the bunker. This was their apartment. The one they moved to after…

Saeyoung sighed heavily as he slumped back against the couch, his adrenaline dissipating so quickly it left him more exhausted than before he'd slept. Just another nightmare. Another reminder of why he'd given up the only woman who'd ever meant a damn to him.

"You okay?"

"I'll live. What time is it?"

"Ten. If you're going to the party, you should start getting ready."

Saeyoung nodded, running his fingers through sweat-soaked hair and standing up. He had just pulled open the bathroom door when Saeran called out to him, voice strangely soft.

"We can keep her safe, you know."

He paused for a fraction of a second, hand tightening on the doorknob. "We already failed once. I'm not risking her again."

* * *

Saeyoung was on edge. He'd fought with his stupid tie before eventually flinging it away in disgust. Snapped at the pushy valet who wouldn't let him park his own car. Ignored Saeran's knowing gaze as his eyes frantically scanned the entrance, looking for her.

Why was Jaehee greeting the guests? That was MC's job.

"Welcome Saeran! Oh, and Saeyoung!" she said, plastering a cheerful smile onto her face to cover up the initial shock of seeing him. "I'm surprised you came. Yoosung said...well, that doesn't matter now. Glad you could make it."

"Wouldn't miss the big party!" he replied, forcing a grin that never reached his eyes. "Is everyone inside already?"

Jaehee's smile twitched slightly, a subtle giveaway that she'd understood his unspoken question. _Where's MC?_

"Not everyone. Mr. Han is inside, as well as Zen...and MC," she said hesitantly. Clearing her throat, she added quickly, "We're still waiting on Yoosung and V. They should be arriving together."

"The blind leading the blind," Saeyoung quipped, moving towards the double doors ahead. "Welp, better get to the wine before Jumin drinks it all. Later Jaehee."

Saeran snorted as soon as they were inside. "Wine's a bad excuse when you don't drink."

"If there was ever a day I would..." Saeyoung trailed off, his roaming eyes finding their target almost immediately. MC would have been impossible to miss, even if he wasn't looking for her. She had the gravitational pull of a quasar, and he was just a floating asteroid destined to be sucked in.

He hadn't forgotten what it was like to gaze upon perfection, but after the time apart it hit him so much harder, like it had the very first time he laid eyes on her. Over the last year he had memorized every detail about her, mapped her body with his gaze and hands and lips, knew her better than he knew himself – but it had been so long since he'd verified it with his own eyes. He wasn't prepared for how woefully inadequate his memory was compared to the real thing.

God, she was gorgeous.

Saeyoung didn't realize that he'd stopped in the middle of the walkway, staring dumbly at her from across the room, until one of the guests entering the venue bumped into him from behind.

"Excuse me!" the woman huffed loudly, rolling her eyes and navigating around him. The commotion must have caught MC's attention, because one moment she was laughing at something Jumin said, and the next her gaze was locked on him. Her eyes widened, a flurry of emotions crossing her face – and he recognized well enough that they were not all good ones – before she schooled her features into a polite smile and waved.

He hated that smile. That fake, guarded expression confirming the distance between them. His entire being rejected it, muscles aching to march over there, take her in his arms and kiss her senseless. To wipe that bullshit smile off her face and replace it with flushed cheeks and breathless whimpers.

She'd laughed for Jumin...but she shut down for him. It felt so wrong.

His stomach twisted but he forced his right hand up anyway, fingers twitching to return the greeting. This was how it had to be. The farther she was from him, the safer she was. No one would hurt her again.

He should have known better than to fall in love in the first place.

Somehow Saeyoung managed to force his leaden legs to move, dragging himself to a relatively secluded area of the room where a couple of nerds were enthusiastically discussing AI development. MC always made it a point to invite a few people in interesting tech positions, and he was pretty sure she did it for his benefit. Always so thoughtful.

It worked out especially well today, when he didn't have the mental capacity to devote himself to a real conversation. He barely had to pay attention to keep up with these guys, and bonus, it looked like he was mingling. He wouldn't seem like a stalker creep just staring at MC the entire party.

Appearances aside, he tried really hard not to actually_ be_ a stalker creep either. It was harder than it should have been. Every time he lost focus his eyes found their way back to her. Watching her flit between guests with practiced ease, drinking in her smiles as if they were directed at him. Zen said something that had her cracking up, and Saeyoung couldn't keep the grin from his own face as a tiny snort escaped her, hands flying over her mouth in a vain attempt to hide it. She always burned with embarrassment when that happened, but he loved it.

Ripping his gaze from her for what felt like the hundredth time, Saeyoung excused himself from the table, escaping to the restroom to regroup. He couldn't just sit there all night, offering half-hearted responses to questions he should care about but didn't. As part of the RFA, he had a duty to network, raise money, make sure this party that MC had worked so hard for was a success. Who was gonna separate these Silicon Valley fools from their wallets besides him? Saeran might be a better hacker, but he wasn't exactly a people person.

Come to think of it, he hadn't seen Saeran since they arrived. Depending on his mood that could either be a good thing or a very, very bad one. Praying for the former, Saeyoung splashed some water on his face and exited the restroom, scanning the venue for his twin.

His gaze landed on Jumin chatting amicably with V. A tired-looking Jaehee speaking into her cell phone – handling Jumin's work, most likely. Zen doing some kind of dramatic re-enactment for a group of heart-eyed women surrounding him. Where was...

_Ah, there we go._ Catching a glimpse of telltale red hair though the crowd, Saeyoung moved toward it, noticing Yoosung standing nearby as he approached. He should have figured the two of them would be together. Yoosung was the closest thing to a friend Saeran had these days, besides him.

They were facing the other way, so Saeyoung opened his mouth to greet the two of them as he neared. But before he had a chance to speak he was stopped mid-step, jaw left hanging open uselessly when a pair of feminine arms wrapped around his brother.

"I missed you so much!" she exclaimed, arms trembling slightly with the force of her embrace. Her voice was muffled against Saeran's chest, but it was still immediately recognizable. He'd know that sound anywhere.

"Missed you too," Saeran mumbled, briefly returning her hug before pulling away and rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

MC giggled affectionately, reaching up to tweak a lock of his hair. "You dyed it back."

"You nagged me long enough to."

"Only 'cause I knew it'd look good. And I was right, as usual."

Saeran snickered. "Thanks, I think."

Saeyoung watched the exchange silently, not daring to speak, not daring to move. He didn't want to mess up their reunion, but he couldn't bring himself to walk away either. Watching the playful back-and-forth between his brother and his girl was the closest thing he'd had to happiness in weeks.

_Not my girl,_ he reminded himself sharply. Not anymore.

Those warm-and-fuzzies were destined to be short-lived, however, since at that moment Yoosung happened to notice him lurking in the background.

"Oh! Hey Saeyoung!"

_Goddammit Yoosung._

It felt like the world slowed down as MC's face slowly came into view, eyes wide as she peeked out around his brother's shoulder. He tried to smile, or step closer, or do absolutely anything to look like a normal human being – but he was ultimately doomed to fail. All he could do was stare back at her, lost to the infinity in her eyes.

She spoke first, lips turning up in a wobbly, uncertain smile. "Hey. Didn't see you hiding back there."

"Just got here," he replied, hating the roughness of his voice. When had it gotten so hard to talk to her? Wracking his brain for something to say, he gestured around with one hand. "The party's huge this time. You really went all out."

The edges of her smile twisted bitterly. "Yeah, well, needed something to keep me busy."

"...yeah."

He felt the expectant gazes of Saeran and Yoosung boring into him, but what else was he supposed to say? Sure, he could pop off a joke or act goofy, but there was no point when she'd see right through him. She knew him just as well as he knew her.

She knew he was floundering, and she gave him an out.

"Well, I need to help Jaehee organize the auction," MC said finally, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Nervous tick, but he didn't call her on it. "Yoosung, could you do me a favor and check in with the sound guy? The mic wasn't working earlier."

"Oh...yeah sure," he said reluctantly, leaving to go do as she asked. Ever since his summer gig as a C&R intern, he'd been the go-to for grunt work in the RFA. He grumbled about it, but deep down everyone know he enjoyed feeling useful.

She flashed Saeran a soft smile, reaching out to adjust his tie. "Come find me later, okay? I wanna catch up."

"Okay."

The deep, steadying breath she took as she turned toward him made no sound, but Saeyoung was so hyper-aware of her he noticed it anyway. Pinched smile firmly in place, she finally took the steps to close the distance between them.

He didn't know what he'd expected, but being enveloped in her warm embrace definitely wasn't on the list. It was too stiff, too careful – so unlike the enthusiastic tackles he was used to – but for that one brief moment he felt at peace again.

"It was good seeing you," she murmured, releasing him before he'd even decided whether or not to return the hug.

His fingers clenched helplessly at his sides, arms so painfully empty. "Yeah. You too."

Those bottomless eyes held his for a moment, filled with a thousand words left unspoken, a thousand feelings denied. She took a quick breath as if to say something more, but instead she sank her teeth into her bottom lip and turned away, heels clacking loudly as she hurried towards Jaehee. He wanted to reach out and grab her, pull her back and ask what she'd wanted to say...but instead he just silently watched her go, feeling dead inside.

Saeyoung escaped back to the nerd table for the duration of the auction, fiddling with the messenger app code just to keep his eyes busy. Change the background, change the sound effects. Force log Zen out because he never remembered his password.

He wanted to leave. There was no reason for him to be here anymore – he'd made his requisite appearance, and he was clearly incapable of doing anything more than that. Maybe next party when the wounds weren't so fresh it would be easier. Probably not, but lying to himself came as naturally as breathing.

The chair next to him dragged loudly across the floor, a tall man flopping down into it with an exhausted huff. Saeyoung didn't need to look up to know it was Zen; the cloud of cologne surrounding him gave it away.

"Geez...those women never give up," he complained, though his smug chuckle said he didn't mind it as much as he let on. "What's up man? Haven't seen you all night."

"I've been here," Saeyoung replied blandly, still focused on his phone. "Easier to maintenance the messenger when no one's online."

"Oh. I guess, but...dude, you don't have to work during the party. Why don't you come hang out? We haven't seen each other in weeks."

"Maybe later."

Zen made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat, and Saeyoung mentally prepared himself for whatever chastising he was about to receive. Hopefully it would be quick. He wasn't in the mood.

"God, can you even believe that trust fund jerk?" he fumed, jutting his chin out in the other man's direction. "No decency whatsoever. I don't know how she puts up with him."

Leave it to Zen to not get the hint that he wanted to be left alone. Not interested in making a scene by pushing the issue, Saeyoung decided to just humor him. He glanced up to follow the Zen's gaze, expecting to see the all too familiar scene of Jumin lording over Jaehee.

It wasn't Jaehee.

Saeyoung watched as Jumin handed MC a glass of champagne, lightly clinking it against his before they took a sip. He didn't know MC liked champagne – she'd never drank it while they were together. The idea that Jumin knew something about her that he didn't bothered him a lot more than it had a right to.

"Seriously, it's been what, a month? Who does he think he is?" Zen continued, throwing his hands up in front of him as he grew progressively more irate.

Other than his irrational rivalry with the CEO-in-line, there was really no reason for Zen to be so worked up. They were just talking. Saeyoung was about to remind Zen that he'd been chatting MC up himself not that long ago, when the situation changed entirely.

Jumin bowed smoothly, raising his head to gaze up at MC through his bangs. He had this funny little smile on his face, and Saeyoung frowned. What the hell was _that?_ He'd never made a face like that before – like a cross between the amusement of trolling Zen and the soft contentment of looking at Elly.

_Oh._

He...liked her.

Saeyoung watched with rapt attention as she giggled, rolling her eyes and nudging Jumin's shoulder until he straightened back up. Still, a delicate blush spread across her cheeks as she accepted his outstretched hand and let him lead her to the dance floor.

_Oh._

She...liked him too, then.

Saeyoung dropped his gaze, focusing on the brown loafers of a nearby guest as he fought to control the stinging at his eyes, fought to block out Zen's indignant tirade. This was good, wasn't it? If anyone was equipped to keep her safe, it was Jumin. He'd make her happy. She deserved to be happy.

She deserved everything. He just...wished he could have been the one to give it to her.

He stood abruptly, cutting Zen off mid-rant. He couldn't do this anymore. Casting one last glance at the beautiful girl twirling in the middle of the room, Saeyoung pushed open the double doors, escaping into the night as the hole in his chest consumed him entirely.

* * *

Saeran watched as MC excused herself after the dance, moving to the bar for another glass of champagne. Unbeknownst to her or Saeyoung, he'd kept his eye on the two of them since they arrived. He'd seen the way they kept stealing glances at each other, saw the pain and longing on each of their faces. He knew he shouldn't care, knew he shouldn't get involved in their business – but he couldn't help but feel regret.

He missed MC, and her frustratingly relentless compassion. He missed his brother being annoyingly, disgustingly happy all the time. He missed their stupid little family.

Hiding her intentions behind a sip of champagne, MC took the opportunity to glance over at the table Saeyoung had occupied since his arrival. Her stealth was betrayed, however, by the furrow of her brows when she didn't see the man she'd been looking for. Immediately her eyes darted frantically around the room, face falling as the realization hit – he was gone.

He'd left without saying goodbye.

Saeran followed her gaze to the doors, her lips pursing together in deliberation. Was she going to go after him? He wished she would. Saeyoung might push her away again, out of some stupid sense of inadequacy or fear. But, well...he might not. If he had any sense of self-preservation at all, he'd drop to his knees and beg her to forgive him. Beg her to take him back. He needed her like he needed air, and this last month had proved that lesson well.

MC tipped her glass back, took a deep breath, and walked toward the exit with purpose. The corner of Saeran's mouth twitched up.

_Don't blow it, idiot brother._


End file.
